Last week we built the premise that during childhood we form answers to the questions “Am I loved?”, Am I wanted?” and “Is life ok?” (or am I safe?)

What we learn from our environment at that age determines how we internally answer these questions. And as we answer those questions we begin to form a relationship style that will become a pattern of relationships through the rest of life.

If we determine that we are loved, wanted and are in a safe environment then we will form secure relationships in which we believe that we are worthy of love and that others are worthy of receiving our love.

Why then doesn’t everyone who grew up in a great Christian home come into adulthood being completely relationally healthy?

Ideally we all want to have the formula to how to have perfect relationships and how to train our children to have perfect relationships. Before the Garden of Eden and the forbidden fruit this was God’s plan. But now there is the entrance of sin.

This means that we all experience some level of pain during childhood because sometime in our first 18 years we are impacted by something that isn’t perfect. It could be that we are hurt by the words of a taunting child on the playground, or that tragedy struck bringing death to someone close to us. It could have been an unwelcome move, changing schools or the unkind criticism of a teacher. Whatever the situation the pain gives entrance to feelings could fester inside causing our outlook of the world to change.

The teasing words on the playgroup might have led that child to feel he/she was unworthy of love and taint our ability to believe that other people love us.

No matter what your story is the truth is that we are all somewhere on the spectrum towards growing into people who form healthy relationships.

If we want to grow toward more secure relationships, it helps to identify our relationship patterns so that we can recognize what is unhealthy and rely on the Holy Spirit to help us to change.

There are 4 prominent relationship styles

  • Secure – in which we have a positive view of ourselves and of others. We have a sense of self, believing that we capable of love and that others will be there to give us the love that we need. If we are in relationships with other secure people we are more likely to grow to be secure. Ultimately the only one who is 100% secure is Christ.
  • Avoidant Attachment: someone who believes good things about themselves but has a negative view of others. Perhaps during childhood this person was given things to sooth rather than attention. Therefore, during adulthood when they feel threatened or needy they turn to things to make them feel better. The things could be in the form of work, shopping, fine dining, chocolate, drugs, alcohol….anything to fill the void. In general, they don’t trust others to love them the way they believe they should be loved.
  • Ambivalent Attachment: this person has a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. Often they struggle with the fear of abandonment, perhaps because of previously experiencing that. They always try to do more to ‘feel’ loved by those in their relationships. This person turns into a people pleaser and perfectionist.
  • Disorganized Attachment- This is someone who perhaps had a more traumatic childhood. They have a negative view of self and other others. When you are around these people you feel the need to walk on eggshells. They struggle to share their feelings and to get close to others. Usually they are dissociated from their own life story.

Life Coach Moment:

  • What is your story? Is there some experience of your past that shaped your view of relationships?
  • What does your story mean in terms of your current place in life? Does it influence the way you interact with those closest to you?
  • Perhaps you found that you still feel the sting of the childhood words, or you felt the neglect of a parent, or you grew bitter from the tragedy of losing a loved one. It is time to forgive. We can verbal tell God we forgive them. Sometimes the bitterness and pain doesn’t leave right away, but every time you feel the sting of that say “Lord, I choose to forgive. I will not allow bitterness to continue in my heart.”

Renew Your Mind in truth

We are all longing for love. God designed us for connection. His connection with us is the one most powerful to change our lives. For a moment let’s look at 1 Corinthians 13 – the love chapter.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

This is God’s love for us. Insert His name: My Heavenly Father is patient and kind. He is not easily angered. He doesn’t keep a record of my sins. He rejoices in truth and is sad when I do something wrong. He always protects me, He believes in me, hopes in me and will not give up on me.

Lord, I believe that You love me with perfect love. Thank You for being patient with me and kind. I believe that You are always protecting me, and that You will never give up on me. Sink the truth of Your love deep into my heart so that my view of myself can change to see people through the perception that I AM LOVED by You and so are they.

Naomi
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Understanding the Context of our past influencing on relationship patterns
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