When it’s over it’s over. There is no more time, no more I should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.

When my grandfather Walt passed away all I could think was why didn’t I go see him sooner/more in the hospital. I fought myself daily thinking I should go today, but the weather is bad. I don’t trust my car to make it. There were so many reasons I used to rationalize my guilt for not going to see him or even keeping better in touch with him. I am broken.

I wasn’t broken by Walt’s death which is only becoming clear to me now. I was broken by the world’s lie that I could’ve done more or something different that would have ‘saved’ Walt. Or at least gave all of us (his family) more time with him. If I’d just been there to pray over him or if I called him instead of texting him.

The biggest lie in this is that I could’ve changed anything. We all have an appointed time to meet God face to face and there is nothing any one of us can do to delay or stop it. I can spend the rest of my life berating myself with the guilt of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve or I can learn from this and move forward avoiding the same mistakes.

Of all this, I realize I should’ve, could’ve and would’ve visited him more frequently if I had known how short his time was. On this thought I remind myself I have family, friends and lots of other people in my life that the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve doesn’t have to apply to. Get off my rear and be there.

As recently as last week, I thought, If I prayed over Walt….God has been kindly reminding me that walking away from Him isn’t the way for me to move on from this. God is the one that opened my eyes to realize that nothing would have changed Walt going home to heaven when he did. Acknowledging I’m powerless to change God’s will is the weakest I’ve ever felt. I believe prayer can change anything, but I also know God’s plan is perfect. God will not deviate from His perfect plan for my selfish reasons.

I am selfish. I’m not embarrassed to admit it because honesty is always better than a lie. I wanted Walt to stay here for me, for his family, for all of us. I refused to acknowledge Walt’s work was done and God was calling him home to declare, Well done.

When God says ‘It is finished,’ there is no arguing.

Belinda
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Could’ve. Should’ve. Would’ve.