As children we are taught by environment. We learn from our relationships and the world around us. Through this we form conclusions about ourselves like

  • Am I loved?
  • Am I wanted?
  • Is life ok?

 

Often children who are adopted have trouble feeling secure in their adoptive environments because of what they have gone through in earlier years. Within the first 18 months of life our thinking patterns are already engrained in us based on what we learn from our surroundings. If a child has been abandon, no matter how loving their new adoptive environment they may still ‘feel’ unloved for all of their lives.

You see what we learn during our formative years carries over to the rest of our lives. It may be true that we didn’t grow up in a safe environment. Or that we were abandon by a parent whether through death or purposefully desertion.

For me I lost my biological father at a young age, from this I had a hard time trusting people because I felt abandon and alone through my growing up years. As a teenager I remember having irrational fears about losing my remaining living parent. Even into my adulthood I have often been self-sufficient and felt like I need to take care of myself because I formed the thinking pattern that “I don’t trust someone else to take care of me.”

The belief about whether we are safe, loved, wanted, etc during childhood turn into an automatic reaction that can filter into every relationship of our lives as we grow into adulthood. Ordinary comments could trigger danger in our minds and we can interpret things based on our past rather than on reality.

Another thing I have struggled with is lack of approval. Without a father figure to tell me he was proud of me I strove to make people happy. Even through my marriage I have noticed patterns of high sensitivity in my life. One time I remember my husband coming home from working and picking up the kid’s stuff as he walked through the door. I had been trying hard all day to do the best I could with three young children. I read his actions as “You didn’t do a good job today because I came home and the house is a mess.” I felt like a failure, like he wasn’t proud of me. Of course this isn’t what he meant by his actions at all, it was what I perceived because I was interpreting the present through the eyes of my past. He was simply trying to help me with the task.

One day it dawned on me that I seemed to be over reacting. I knew my husband loved me and was proud of me because he tells me that frequently. But I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t feel loved or approved of. What I realized was that it was an automatic reaction stemming from what I learned from my environment and circumstances as a child.

When I would feel these feelings of failure rising within me I would literally have to begin telling myself, “I am not a failure. My husband is proud of me. I do not have to win his approval because he loves me.”

Are there times when you find yourself reacting to something too strongly?

Can you pinpoint your feelings in that situation? Put it in terms of “I feel like a failure, I feel mad, etc.” No matter what the feeling is, it helps to begin naming the feeling. Without naming the feeling we are only living in denial that we have feelings at all.

(I find that frequently as Christians we bury our feelings because we think they are opposite of who we are in Christ. If the Bible says we should be patient, kind, loving according to the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, we feel guilty for having feelings which are not patient, kind and loving. I know that for a long time I struggled with guilt about the feelings I had and felt like I was a terrible Christian for having feelings that were ugly.)

Life Coach Moment

Do you see patterns of things that you react badly over and over? To start off with is there something that seems to make you angry instantly? Pray about this and ask God to show you the truth about why you are reacting.

 

The truth is that sometimes we feel like people are against us or that we aren’t loved as we want to be loved. But often our perception of people’s actions towards us is biased by our outlook and is not the reality of what they are trying to communicate to us through their words and actions.

Even if you had a terrible upbringing, even if you feel like people don’t love you perfectly grab onto who God says you are and find your identity in Him. You are loved! Your Father LOVES you. If this truth could get into our hearts so deep, that we could live out of this identity it could change all our relationships!

When you feel someone makes you angry, can you step back for a moment and say to yourself “I am loved by God”, before you react.

Renew your mind in Truth

Meditate on this Scripture.

Zephaniah 3:17 – The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Lord, Thank You that I do not have to be a product of my past. Make me aware of my reactions. Teach me to grab onto your truth, the truth that You love me and Your rejoice over me with singing. Thank You that in Your love, I can find all that I need to satisfy the needs of my heart. Amen

Naomi
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